Monday, April 19, 2010

Crocodile Tears

[photo from Nest Pretty Things]

So, as you know, I am off to New York at the end of the week. While at one time I was super excited to go, this is no longer the case.

If you would have told me, even a year ago, that I would want to cancel a trip to New York with friends to stay home with my family, I think I would have laughed. Not because I wouldn't want to be with my lovely family, but because who in their right mind passes up a trip to New York with the girls ...

Because a trip to New York means sleeping in a king size bed all by myself with no one to wake me up early. And it is quiet time without someone saying "what should I do now" or "mama, will you play with me". And it is meals eaten while seated and not on the run trying to get one of two from point A to point B. And just time. Time to myself. Precious time.

And for all the reasons above, that should make me want to go, I don't want to go at all. The thought of sleeping alone seems oh so lonely. And not hearing those voices, heartbreaking. And missing having to get here and there while we sing "Down By the Bay" makes me very, very sad.

There have been tears. Great, big crocodile tears at the thought of getting on the plane. Silly, right? But it doesn't feel silly. It feels like a big rock of regret in my stomach.

Isn't it funny how our priorities constantly change? All I want is to be home with my wonderfully lovely little boys and my most charming husband. Even on the days I think I have had enough of all 3 of them and I might just try to run away.

L xo

PS - I am blaming hot yoga for all of this. You see, in hot yoga, I spend a lot of time giving thanks for the amazing life I have - for my beautiful family, my friends, my health, the sun in Spring ... And I think the more I give thanks, the more aware I am of how good I have it. And the more aware I am, the more I just want to capture it all up in a jar - to keep this magical life safe and sound.

PPS - I am putting my trust out there to the Universe that my family will be well taken care of while I am gone.

PPPS - I love birdcages. Love them. And I love Nest Pretty Things too. A lot.


Lesly said...

I hear ya, Leanne. I ALWAYS get traveler's remorse about 48 hours before I get on a plane. I finally faced up to the fact that I just do not like to travel. And especially not without my family. When I had my sabbatical in 2005, I stayed home and invented all kinds of reasons why I didn't go to some exotic locale. My traveler's remorse usually lets up when I'm actually at the airport - here's hoping yours does, too!

Leanne said...

Well let's hope that's how it goes, Lesly. haha Oh, and I hate to fly. Like "have to take an ativan before take off and landing" kind of hate to fly. FUN!

Lady Docker said...

Leanne I know just how you are feeling and especially after the recent events with my family it just makes them more precious. I am sure that once you are on your way you will have an amazing time and I know that although they will miss you they will be having a whale of a time at home. Just think of the happy homecoming that you can all share not to mention that it will be good for you all to do your own thing, so enjoy New York and safe journey.

Linda said...

I know this feeling. But let me say from experience that I am betting as soon as you board the plane you'll be more than FINE! Have lots of fun!

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